Life Lessons

This year has been chock full of mistakes.  Crazy foolish things I've done.  Regrets? Not really.  They've been hard lessons won.  Things I've been sheltered from my entire adult life I've been exposed to in shocking fashion.  I've said no to few things I've encountered and I am richer for the experiences.  It has helped forged the path I'm on currently and as long as I continue to remember the lessons I should be alright. Especially which people I welcome into my life and my heart. I will work to be more cautious and cynical.

The Life You Dream Of

Everyone dreams.  Some are simple and some are complex.  But everyone has dreams. Sometimes they have little to do with reality.  To dream is to be human.  It's essential to progressing, to growth. I used to dream of a career and then when I had my first child as an unwed teenager I wanted a family as I'd never wanted anything.  I wanted to marry someone who would be my friend and would cherish me and protect me.  I desired to have a baby so much it was almost tangible.  It was a fierce desire deep within me. And I thought I had that.
When I was 15 I worked at a flower store and I remember this elderly gentleman coming in and buying this HUGE stuffed monkey for his wife of 40 years.  I can't remember exactly what he said about his marriage and their love, but it was deep and abiding. And I knew that's what I wanted. It's what I thought I had.
I see couples with children and especially babies and my heart hurts. I feel so bereft and robbed. I don't know if I'll ever have that dedicated love or if it's even possible. It's what I thought I had that I miss the most.

First Step into the Abyss

What do you do when one day you wake up and realize everything you thought your life was is a lie? That your reality is just a facade. Do you put your head in the sand or do you say enough is enough?
I chose the latter and while relieved to have made a decision, it's not easy and it's a rocky path. I sure as hell don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going but I'm done living with lies and deceit.
I feel so alone and so abandoned, but I'm not giving anymore time to a love that wasn't really there.